just for fun......

I used to use livejournal, but rarely use it anymore, so maybe I should transfer a few posts from there to here? Good idea, or no?

here's one from 20 July 07
know what isn't fair? that i do not know my dad.
if my dad were to die today i wouldn't even have anything to say at his funeral.
it's not fair that i have to WISH i were closer with him.
it's not fair that he has never made an effort to get to know his children.
i know he is still (and was always) disappointed in ben.
i know he is unhappy with the way misty turned out.
and no matter how hard i tried my whole life, i could never make him happy, either.

he wasn't ready to be a dad. he wasn't even ready to get married.

i can tell he sometimes wants to be closer. wants to know me. but i just feel like it's too late. even if i wanted the same, i don't know how to communicate with him. that's just what it comes down to. i cannot, and do not know how to communicate with him. i don't know who he is. it's like trying to start a close relationship with someone 30 years older than you that you know nothing about, and you know that the end result will not be anything significant...it's not like we're going to get married...it's not like we're going to spend a lot of time together. why should we bother? why should we waste precious time on an unrewarding thing such as this?

this depresses me.

cute, huh?

well, it's about time

I just thought I should do my first post here, because it's not very useful having a blog and never using it.

So, what's new? Well, my boyfriend and I have taken up a new task: fixing up my parents old cabin - my home from day one til approx. day 4383.
This has been really interesting and strange for me. The house is on 20 acres and is basically landlocked, so we have to hike back there about one mile one way. The strange part is just being there...it's very eerie and to be honest, a little emotional for me. But I try not to show it when it gets to me. So many memories, feelings, and questions swim around in my head when we're there. ALSO, I cannot stop dreaming about the place! I mean I've had dreams, and nightmares about that place the whole time we've been out of there, but this is different, I'm dreaming I'm cleaning the place, burning things. And I woke up the other night moving my arms like I was carrying garbage out of the house.... ha weird. It's very depressing the state that my parents left the cabin in. Just filled with garbage. A quarter of the junk in there would have been salvageable if they had kept the place up or had actually checked on the place every now and then.

Anyway, our goal is to fix it up and make it so it can be a little vacation getaway that's close to home! Maybe we'll even be able to have the whole family over there for the 4th of July.

I'll keep you up to date